Jupiter Ascending is about a lowly janitor named Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) who's destined for great things because she was born under a certain star and belongs to a sort of hereditary nobility that gives her the right to claim Earth as her inheritance. With other intergalactic children competing against each other for territory throughout the universe, led most notably by the absurdly over the top Balem Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne) who wants Earth for himself. Meanwhile a wolf hybrid soldier named Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) comes to her rescue to help her claim her rightful place as a galactic heiress. It's every little girls dream, basically a sci-fi version of Cinderella with a twist of Twilight thrown in for good measure.
Admittedly, my interest in Jupiter Ascending has pretty much been zero since I first heard about it. I didn't even watch any of the trailers for it, so why'd I watch it? I don't know... boredom, I suppose. For starters, it stars the two most over-exposed and overrated actors working today, with one of them dressed up as some sort of human/dog hybrid who spends a solid third of the movie running or skiing around topless in his anti-gravity boots. A lot of people have praised the cgi, often at the expense of the story, but I thought the cgi was terrible given its budget, it wasn't that impressive kind of cgi, it was that Star Wars prequel cgi, the really shiny, flat and obviously fake cgi.
The action was shot with way too many close-ups that obscured almost everything on screen, and whatever else wasn't obscured was just a blur of things happening. This is yet another movie where the heroes are fired upon by literally thousands of various projectiles and remain uninjured, all while taking down bad guy after bad guy with ease, much like The Winter Soldier and Furious 7 in that regard. The editing seemed amateurish as it was constantly jumping from scene to scene and place to place with no spatial sense whatsoever, which is not good for a movie that's largely set in space. There were even scenes in Jupiter Ascending where I couldn't even tell what the hell was happening, I'm not exaggerating, there were lots of loud noises, explosions, colors, bright lights, I don't know, whatever, it was just tedious and mind-numbing.
You name the cliche and it's in here, especially the cliches that litter all the 'young adult' movies and books. The script is remedial at best, and the characters are all so one-dimensional that they could have been pulled from any other sci-fi movie and no one would be the wiser, they were all so humdrum and boring. All the visual imagery and characters that were copied from other movies ie Star Wars, Flash Gordon, Dune, and so on. Jupiter Ascending is so astoundingly perfunctory and predictable, I honestly have to wonder how this even made it to the big screen in the first place. I genuinely don't like it when (mostly) original ideas fail either, I want to see more originality in movies, I really do, but do they have to choose projects like this? Jupiter Ascending is the most offensively bad sci-fi movie since Guardians of the Galaxy, they should dance it off, see who wins the prize for shittiest sci-fi movie of the 21st century. What a total waste of time, unless you're wearing a training bra that is.
Written by - The Sentry - 25/04/2015